Trigger warning: this post mentions pregnancy loss and grief.
“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.”
Jeremiah 1:5 NIV
When I experienced one of my first traumas and great losses, I didn’t know God.
When I was 21, I found out I was expecting, and we were so happy! My grandmother had recently passed 6 months prior so I welcomed this good news and looked forward to the future.
But something wasn’t right. I kept feeling a sharp pain in my left side, but my Dr. assured me everything was ok. It was just to early to see the baby on an ultrasound.
A week went by and the pain was becoming unbearable so I went to the ER where they discovered I was having an ectopic pregnancy.
The egg had implanted in my left fallopian tube instead of the uterus and I was in shock. I had never ever heard of an ectopic pregnancy before, and sadly there was nothing they could do about it. The pregnancy would not survive.
I was given two injections and sent home, but that night I woke up screaming in pain and was rushed back to the hospital.
The injections hadn’t worked and it felt like the left side of my body was exploding.
I was immediately rushed into emergency surgery. Everything was a painful blur, and when I woke up I was no longer pregnant, no longer had a left fallopian tube, and I was completely devastated and numb.
I was consumed by grief and pain, and I felt so alone and like no one understood.
While in my recovery room undergoing all these feelings, I heard a soft knock, and a woman came in.
She was a volunteer at the hospital and asked if she could pray with me.
I felt a stirring inside my heart and I said yes.
Even when I was going through one of the darkest times of my life, even when I didn’t know Him, God knew me. He was there and carrying me through, knowing one day I would come and surrender at his feet, and give all my grief and pain carried throughout the years over to Him, so He could heal me.
Since then and since coming to really know God and giving my life to Him, I’ve gone through more difficult things and hard seasons.
But now I have the reassuring knowledge that God is truly with me wherever I go, whatever I’m going through.
I’m so grateful for a listening God, an understanding God, a forgiving God and especially… a loving God.
