I Did Not Close My Eyes

I Did Not Close My Eyes

I have a confession to make.

Tonight, as you said your sweet little boy prayers, I kept my eyes open.

I stared at your precious little face.

I marveled at the way you closed your eyes and joined your little hands together, the way I learned as a child.

I hung on every single word you spoke to a God you are just beginning to know. I pray that journey of knowing Him, talking to Him, and needing Him, never leaves your open heart. 

I smiled when you prayed for your brother, a little tongue in cheek, that he would feel better, as he had a rough evening.

Some of your phrases are repetitive, yet I catch new statements that emerge with your daily maturation.

Praying for those suffering with illness while simultaneously praying for pets that have been dead and buried for years.

Yet, they remain constant fixtures in your little boy heart. 

I wanted to wrap my arms around your little frame. Rummage my hands through your still wet hair.

You, my youngest son, my always baby boy, are daily becoming a young version of the man you were meant to be.

Your thoughtfulness is unprecedented. Your kindness is overwhelming. Your empathy is off-the-charts. Your humor is…comparable to my own (three out of four ain’t bad, I think sarcastically to myself). 

Some nights I cannot wait for my head to hit the soft pillow and effortlessly drift into sweet slumber.

Tonight was not one of those nights.

I felt captivated by the blessing of you. The mysteries of your mind never ceasing to amaze my mother’s curiosity. The turning over of each new life lesson which comes at warp speed when you are barely nine years of age.

I didn't close my eyes

Pouring your precious little soul out to a Jesus you recently decided to make your Lord and Savior. The biggest decision you will ever make in your life.

My momma’s heart is on fire with pride, relief, excitement, and a bit of fear, knowing this road is a rocky one in which you will be tempted, tried, and tossed about in the sea of humanity. 

Yet, you, my child, my baby boy…you are strong. You are wise. You hunger for knowledge and thirst for adventure. You have a peace deep inside your soul that tends to reside in everyone around you, including me. You feel deeply. You love immeasurably. You accept without limits. You daily teach me more than I teach you.

At times I feel like a failure of a mother. At others, I am just so very thankful God chose me to be your mommy. He assuredly knew we needed each other. And I needed you perhaps more than you will ever need me.

Yet, I will be there. Cheering you on, encouraging you, engaging with you, redirecting you when necessary. I will always stand behind you, my baby boy.

At times, I will be front and center in your line of sight. At others, I will humbly step aside, knowing you need to fight battles on your own. But I will never step away completely. No matter how old you are, my mommy love will only deepen in measure with each passing day.  

Goodnight, my sweet boy. I thank the Lord for you. And I can only imagine the joy He feels at watching you pray those tender words straight from your lips; mine is only a fraction of His immeasurable delight when you nightly whisper His name. 

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