Trigger warning: this post does mention suicidal ideation. If you have been having any thoughts of self harm, please contact the Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273-8255, or visit their website here. Doing so is completely confidential.
“Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”Philippians 4:6-7
I know what it’s like to struggle. I know what it’s like to feel alone.
Most importantly, though, I know what it is like to reach a breaking point. That moment when the weight of ten worlds sits on your shoulders and you think to yourself “wouldn’t it be nice to sit down for a moment and rest”, but when you try to get back up the weight holds you in place.
It presses down on you. You can’t breathe and, stuck in that moment of fear, you can’t see the path before you. Instead, it looks like the jagged edge of a cliff and you feel as if you might fall.
There was a time when I was so angry at the world and the evil in it, that I isolated myself. I shut myself away in a little box—away from the world that hurt me and away from the family who loved me. I thought that was the answer.
I put up walls of anger and used them to hurt those around me. It wasn’t always a conscious decision, but because I couldn’t find a way to be happy, I hurt the people who were most important to me.
Simply put, I was mad all of the time, and when I wasn’t mad I was anxious.
I suffered from daily anxiety attacks that came on most often without explanation. I remember what it was like to stay awake until the early hours of the morning shaking, hyperventilating, crying, and vomiting because I couldn’t manage to calm myself down.
I remember taking a little white pill every day and then another to calm the panic the first one couldn’t manage. I was constantly anxious and angry, until that fear and ferocity were no longer emotions, but had become my personality.
I had changed. I couldn’t see the person I wanted to be, and I surely couldn’t find a way to get there.
In hindsight, I can see that I felt that way because I was trying to do it all on my own. Trying and failing miserably.
I read my Bible daily, but it didn’t really mean anything to me. I loved God, but I was so wrapped up in my own world and my victim mentality, that I hardly found the time to pray. When I did manage it, it wasn’t sincere. I strayed further and further, wondering why God would want me to live like this. (Hint: He didn’t.)
I lived a Christian life. I went to church, I listened to the preacher speak, and I believed every word. Even though I did all of those things, I didn’t allow them to drop into my heart. I was living the perfect life on the outside, but the inside was bleak and dark.
Then one day everything changed. I was no longer just angry. I began feeling depressed. That was all it took for the devil to put thoughts in my mind. I dealt with fleeting thoughts of suicide. The devil wrapped it up in a pretty bow, telling me that it was a way to get to Heaven sooner; that I would be happy there.
Suicide certainly isn’t the path to Heaven. Thankfully, God allowed me to see through the lies.
If you are dealing with those dark thoughts, don’t believe them. They are evil words the devil uses to incapacitate your faith. He can grip on to it and rip it away if you give him a chance. Though Jesus allowed me to discern from whom the deceitful whispers came, that they were not my own thoughts but seeds Satan had tried to plant in my mind, I was terrified.
I couldn’t believe that ending my own life had actually crossed my mind, no matter how quickly it disappeared. I cried from fear. I cried because I felt so alone. I knew Satan would continue to come back if I didn’t take care of the matter at that moment. I realized I didn’t want to be alone any longer. As much as it frightened me, I traveled off that island of solitude and opened up to the God who loved me so much.
I had reached my praying point. I prayed until my throat was raw from speaking words through the tears. I prayed until those demonic thoughts left. God answered my prayers, and I haven’t been haunted by those thoughts any longer.
I work daily to change from the hateful person I was, to someone Christ Jesus can be proud of. The most important thing I have learned, is that I cannot do it alone. If you need a sign, here it is. Swim away from your island of solitude. Find God’s solid rock to stand upon. Reach out to those that you love, because they love you too. They want to be there for you.
I realize that every person’s battles are different. Maybe mine seems like a speck of dirt compared to the mountain standing in front of you.
Here’s the thing, though.
He moves mountains.