Feeling Fundamentally Despicable? You're Safe With Jesus

Although I can’t pin-point the exact moment when deep-seeded thoughts of self-hatred, shame, and disgust started burrowing down into unknown places within my psyche, I do, however, remember a scared and anxious 13-year-old version of myself.

A young, lost girl who thrashed around nasty and harrowing narratives. These destructive self-reflections would ricochet from my brain to my body right back to the reflection staring back at me in the mirror.

“What is wrong with you?”

“Have you watched the way you act?”

“Can’t you get yourself together?”

“No wonder nobody likes you.”

“You’re an absolute embarrassment.”

“You are literally the ugliest girl on planet Earth.”

If you’ve faced significant challenges like abandonment, abuse, neglect, or other difficult experiences in your past, you’ve likely encountered the kind of shame that can stem from those struggles at some point in your life.

Since becoming a Christian, I’m proud to say that I’ve don a ton of work to forgive myself for a lot of the choices I made to survive when I was younger. And by the grace of God I still have a long way to go.

The frustrating thing about trauma brain is how unrelenting it is. It operates like an angry, repressed, tricky little monster. Before you know it those old narratives creep back up out of nowhere and all of a sudden you’re going back down the despicable-me rabbit hole.

Here’s some truth and self-care practices I’ve learned to incorporate to keep my eyes on Jesus and combat those dangerous lies before they start causing more damage.

Believing Jesus is Safe

Believing Jesus is safe is very different than knowing Jesus is safe. I can “know” in my mind that Jesus loves me and wants the best for me, but if I don’t go to Him right away then I’m not acting on my knowledge.

Believing is truth in action. I need to pray and experience Him in the middle of these hard moments. Knowing is different than practicing, and when you practice you believe, and when you believe you build trust.

Let me put it to you this way: Believing Jesus is safe means I literally go to Him in the exact moment that doubt starts creeping in.

For me, the lie that’s been in constant attack lately is “you’re not good enough.” In mothering, writing, being a wife, pastoring, preaching, teaching, you name it. That thought comes up more than I would like to admit.

So, I’ve learned to stop, breathe, and put myself in the presence of Jesus. Right then. I’m not going to carry on like nothing is happening or bury those thoughts deep down, I want to bring them into the light.

How do I do this?

By closing my eyes and allowing Jesus to place His hand gently on my head. Reminding myself that He calls me “beloved,” and that Christ has existed before anything else – an He holds all creation together (Col 1:17).

That means in this very moment Jesus is holding me. With all my fear and frailty, Jesus sees me exactly for who I am and loves me. He is the safest place I can be.

Presence Over Perfection

When negative thinking or self-hatred begins its ugly cycle, it usually means I’m in the middle of trying to accomplish something.

Think about this; do any of those angry or hurtful feelings usually plague your mind when you’re relaxed or watching Netflix? Of course not, because your body is in a place of rest and relaxation.

Recognizing when these thoughts bombard my pre-frontal cortex is key. I become gentle and kind to myself. I remind myself that Jesus doesn’t demand or even want perfection from me, He just wants me to do my best in the moment (with all the truth of my hurts, fears, insecurities, and realities of the task at hand.)

When Peter took his eyes off Jesus and started to sink, Jesus didn’t abandon or forsake him, He was right there, and so He is with me.

Scripture as a Sanctifying Reprieve

Not only do I use Scripture to purify my heart and mind, but God’s Word overrides my own nasty thoughts time and time again. Those self-destructive narratives from my past are me punishing me, and ultimately they are a death sentence.

Scripture is the only kind of reprieve that gives me peace from myself.

I’ve learned to run over to these truths because they are life. I need God’s Word to wash over like a healing balm to my soul. I say, sing, quote, memorize, or write these verses down until they become the truth that blots out the darkness inside of me. Here are a few of my favorites:

"The Lord will rescue me from every evil deed and bring me safely into his heavenly kingdom. To him be the glory forever and ever. Amen." - 2 Timothy 4:18 ESV

“I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.” Psalm 34:1 KJV

“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.”

Psalm 46:1 KJV

"Thou art my hiding place; thou shalt preserve me from trouble; thou shalt compass me about with songs of deliverance. Selah." - Psalm 32:7 KJV

“You will keep in perfect peace
all who trust in you,
all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” – Isaiah 26:3 NLT

Friends, I wish I could tell you that I incorporate these three steps perfectly into my daily life. But what I can tell you is the more I practice them regularly, the less frequent and loud the self-deprecating noise has become over time.

Jesus has become the safest place I could ever go to because He has proved Himself faithful time and time again, especially when I’m at my worst.

Jesus doesn’t want us to be hateful toward ourselves. He knocks on the door of our hearts.

Jesus is always present and available to heal those shameful spaces and self-destructive patterns. Because He loves and cares for you and for me.

You know, I’ve had to learn (the hard way) that spiritual growth isn’t about getting it wrong or right, or about what I know or don’t know. Instead, it’s all about being safe to practice and experience for ourselves the presence of His love.

And from the scared girl with a broken past, God is putting together a beautiful mosaic. Using those shattered places and making me new.

Before you know it, a healthy attachment starts to form. Jesus becomes my new narrative. Trust builds and I am no longer fundamentally despicable, but absolutely beloved.

Related Reading:

Pin this for later…