God's Relentless Love | Salt + Sparrow

When You’ve Failed God More Times Than You Can Count

My summarized “hope story” is this: I have failed God more times than I can count, lived for myself more often than I should, and given God control, just to wake up one day and realize I’d taken it back, again.

Yet, my loving Father keeps pursuing me.

I read a quote recently that said, “My biggest flex is that God never took His hand off of me,” and I felt that to the core. I say this because there are really two parts to this story.

If we let Him, God has a unique and powerful way of communicating with us, or, maybe better put, if we just pay attention.

I had an extremely vivid dream from God 27 years ago. I can still recall every detail of that dream to this day.

A Life Lived at a Distance from God

But there are other times when He is silent.

Sometimes, that is for a good reason; either to grow our faith, to teach us patience while waiting, or maybe we are even asking for the wrong thing.

But other times, it is because we are the ones who have drifted apart from Him.

When It Feels Like God Has Turned Away

I am ashamed to say that there was a time in my life when I felt like God literally had His back turned to me.

This came to a head about 12 years ago, when I would say that my relationship with God really began.

I grew up in church, and while I am not sure why or where this came from, I had it ingrained in me that our repeated sin will cause Him to turn from us and not listen anymore.

Well, I had my first child when I was 16 years old. I’ve had failed marriages, failed relationships, been unfaithful, and experimented with drugs; I’ve got a list a mile long of regrets as a mother and an unlistable amount of bad decisions and bad habits.

I was pretty sure He was fed up with me and no longer listened, so I no longer prayed.

And hadn’t for years.

I would go to church with the family. I would bow my head. I always felt like an outsider who wanted more but didn’t deserve it, so I continued on that path for so long.

My story begins when He found a way to let me know, “Hey, I am still here. I never left. Take my hand and listen to me this time.” (My poor earthly parents never stood a chance against my stubbornness and unwavering devotion to learning the hard way).

The Night Everything Changed

I found myself in a situation where I felt completely and utterly helpless as a mother.

That is the worst feeling in the entire world.

The details surrounding my son and that time in my life are a whole other story, but one thing was certain. I needed a miracle.

So, one evening, when the weight was just too much to bear, I hit my knees and prayed for the first time in… I couldn’t even tell you how long.

It was probably the most raw and heartfelt prayer I had prayed in my life at that point. I begged God for forgiveness, and for a miracle but more than that, I begged Him to let me know He heard my prayer.

I had to know He heard me.

It wasn’t enough for me to just “hope” that He had.

I didn’t know how He would accomplish this or if He even would, but He knew I was paying attention now and got creative.

The Poker Game, the Radio, and the Message from Heaven

I will rewind briefly and fill you in on what was going on behind the scenes.

My son was getting close to graduating high school, and as a family, we would be taking a cross-country road trip in a couple of months.

The day before I prayed this prayer, I was shopping on Amazon for some things for the trip.

A poker game with a built-in radio was not on my list of items to purchase, but it went into my cart nonetheless.

I thought it might help with the boredom on the drive.

Well, that order wasn’t set to arrive for a few days, but one little Amazon package was delivered the very next day.

It was that poker game/ radio.

I remember thinking it was odd that it was delivered by itself and so early, but that was all the thought put into it until that evening when I felt the world’s weight on my shoulders and begged God to let me know that He had heard me.

I got up from that prayer, grabbed that poker game, and crawled into bed. I was going to put the earbuds in, play some cards, and “zone out” so I could give my mind a rest.

Experiencing God in a Song

Ironically, when I turned on that little AM/FM radio, it was programmed perfectly to Way FM (I didn’t know this then, or there is a good chance I would have started station surfing).

It was at the very beginning of a song that sounded a little “Daughtry-like” to me, so I let it play.

When the lyrics started, it immediately caught my attention when the first line said, “You must think I’m strong, to give me what I’m going through.”

It continued with lines like “hands of mercy won’t you cover me… Lord, right now I’m asking you to be strong enough for the both of us” and “when I’m finally at rock bottom, that’s when I start looking up.”

The song ends with a bible verse I now have tattooed on my arm (Phil 4:13) “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength…. And I don’t have to be strong enough.”

It was a song by Matthew West called Strong Enough.

A New Beginning (But Not the Full Surrender Yet)

Needless to say, by the end of that song, I was sobbing.

As I realized God was saying, “I’m here, and I’ve got you,” I felt an overwhelming peace that everything was going to be okay.

I had always struggled with not feeling close to God or wondering if He was really there, but I had experienced Him on such a powerful level that night that there was no denying it.

I still have that little poker game/ radio. It sits in my nightstand, and I call it my walkie-talkie to Heaven.

A few months later, the situation I was dealing with cleared up and went away. Not long after all of this, I even got to meet Matthew West and tell him my story.

During this period, I made some things right in my life that needed it. I was baptized. I also started helping in the church office and volunteering at the homeless shelter and children’s home.

I was a sponsor for my daughter’s youth group at church and was doing everything I felt I should be doing.

The problem was that I still didn’t have a real intimate relationship with God. At least not the way that I know Him now.

It was more like I still lived my life and just sprinkled Him in. I was more aware of Him, but He wasn’t the focus.

The Wilderness Season (and Learning the Hard Way)

Fast forward about seven years. My husband (at that time) and I had since quit going to church after there was a big “church split.”

Life got crazy busy, with one child in the military and one about to graduate high school.

We were running a business, and we were hardly even friends. I was about to turn 40 and was potentially having a mid-life crisis.

But more than any of that, my relationship with God had taken a very back seat. It wasn’t difficult for Satan to get his foot in the door and wreak havoc.

I made a series of bad decisions and ultimately, left my marriage and moved to a high-rise apartment downtown.

In some ways, I believe having some time for “just me” was good for me. I always had kids or a relationship, but it cost me a lot also.

My relationship with my son, to this day, is not the same.

I loved my life during the 4-5 years I lived downtown.

Dating was a nightmare at times, but I still loved it. I loved my job, my friends, and the endless number of things to do (which usually involved drinking or a party).

I would occasionally go to church and pray, but I was doing wonderful in my self-made bubble.

What I didn’t realize during all this was that I was searching. I was searching for the type of peace that only He could provide, but I was trying to fill the void with everything that was easy.

I eventually interpreted this to mean I was ready to find “the one.” So that is what I did. I ended up meeting a charming cowboy from “Nowhere, Oklahoma.”

Oklahoma was the last state I would ever pick to move in my “I’d love to move out of Kansas” daydreams. But, I was head over heels, so Oklahoma it was.

The Move, the Marriage, and the Wake-Up Call

This is the part where I get to look back and see how God was at work in my life, even when I wasn’t aware of it or didn’t ask for His help.

It truly was one of those experiences where I realized that He never took His hand off of me because He so easily could have left me to my own devices and written me off.

But He didn’t.

He allowed me to have the husband that I desperately searched out and picked on my own, without any help from Him.

In doing so, He removed me from the downtown life, and my bubble, which so often excluded him.

He allowed me to feel so completely safe, loved, and secure in the arms and presence of this human man so that when it disappeared, I could learn that only real safety, peace, and security are found in Him.

He allowed me to move away from my job, friends, family, and comfort zone so that when doing things my way finally all fell apart, I would have no one else to turn to but Him to pick up the pieces.

I often imagine God trying to tame a wild horse (when it comes to me) to shape me into who He wants and needs me to be.

I loved my husband, and he wasn’t a bad guy per se, but he was not a believer.

We struggled with so many things from day one. Without making my story about that experience, I will just say that I learned a lot about myself and God during this time.

Growth, Conviction, and His Voice in the Storm

I did not adjust well to the change of leaving everything, and everyone I knew and trying to fit into a world that was all his; his family, his kids, his friends, his home, his town.

I naively believed our love was so strong and we were so solid that life was going to be bliss.

You can imagine my despair and astonishment when reality came crashing in like a herd of cattle.

It was whiplash that left me feeling more alone and insecure than I can ever remember feeling.

During this time, God worked to help me grow and deepen my faith. I started attending church regularly, sometimes on my own.

I would listen to sermons and uplifting podcasts during my alone time. I began to discover my toxic thought patterns and my fear of abandonment, along with other insecurities.

I even realized bad habits that I hadn’t recognized before.

Through this journey, my prayers were being answered constantly, sometimes immediately, with a sermon I needed to hear or words of encouragement from my sweet cousin-in-law at the gym, or maybe something random that would happen that day.

One of these memorable and relatively funny moments was when I was overwhelmed by emotions and venting to God about how I couldn’t do it anymore and wanted to give up.

Only to immediately turn on a sermon and hear, “When did you get the idea that your feelings have anything to do with your obedience to God?”

Touche, God, Touche.

When God Sends Friendship in Your Loneliest Season

My favorite answer to prayer during this time was when he answered my prayer for a friend.

Because He answered that prayer in a way that exceeded my greatest expectations. I had been praying for someone to spend time with – someone who could help take the pressure off my husband (since he was all I had).

I wanted to connect with someone who felt like my own friend rather than just an extension of him. It’s amazing how God worked everything out.

The woman I connected with and her husband were the first people my ex introduced me to when I first visited Oklahoma.

Although we were friendly, we didn’t spend much time together or talk often, as we were both fighting our own battles.

However, not long before I would move back to Kansas, her husband told her he wanted a divorce.

I invited her to church one Wednesday evening, we had a great conversation and really bonded. From that point on, we became each other’s solid support system.

Ironically, about a month later, my husband told me he wanted a divorce as well.

My friend and I have been able to go through this process together. Lean on each other. Support each other. Help each other heal. Encourage each other. We have even been hiking together in Arizona.

She has become one of my very best friends. Neither of us has ever healed from anything in a healthy way, without masking or finding toxic ways to cope, so this has been such a blessing for both of us.

As a fun little kicker, she even sees a doctor in Kansas, so we still regularly see each other.
God always knows what we need, when we need it, and how we need it.

When the Marriage Ends, but Peace Remains

Now, I will admit that I dealt with some frustration at God during this time because I felt like all the teaching and growing was to save my marriage.

I thought we would come out on the other side, and things would be beautiful. Instead, I moved back to Kansas one week after my first anniversary.

It was difficult at times to fight off the feelings of bitterness and anger. But it was never about that.

He never chose that marriage or life for me. I did. He just wanted to be there to pick up the pieces and was getting me ready to recognize that.

Sitting Under a Full Moon, Finally at Peace

When I first came home, I realized I felt a peace I had never experienced before in my entire life, and that kind of peace can only come from Him.

I was sitting outside, under the full moon, on my Kansas best friend’s 10 acres. I was heartbroken, and she was out of town, so I was all alone.

Usually, I would have felt lonely, looking for a party, someone to hang out with, alcohol to numb the pain, anything to distract myself.

Although I might have had a glass of wine, I remember thinking it was strange that I felt completely at ease and didn’t care what anyone else was doing.

It was just me and God in the middle of nowhere, and I was ok with that.

Reflecting on the Journey and Seeing God in Every Chapter

This brings me to where I am currently.

Looking back over the last several years, I can see and feel life differently.

I can see how things have unfolded and how some things make sense now.

I can see He is constantly present in all of it, even when I was making things impossible.

I have become more patient and less anxious. I am grateful for so much more now, as life owes us nothing, and I have amazing friends and family.

My stress about “bad” things or worries about the future are much fewer than they used to be. I am learning to trust God’s got this, regardless of what happens.

I am still healing in certain areas and need to overcome some lingering feelings of abandonment and rejection.

Rewiring the brain is a constant struggle, and the enemy often destroys us through our thoughts.

If he can get you to believe you are unloved, unworthy, broken, unnecessary, replaceable, forgotten, unwanted, a mistake – that God doesn’t love you, you are too far gone, you’ll never be free, then he can keep you bound.

If he can keep you bound, he can keep you from your purpose.

I heard a sermon recently that said the enemy doesn’t always show up in the obvious way.

Sometimes, he shows up as discouragement. He makes sin look harmless and distractions look like opportunities, and before you know it, someone who had a fire for God is now lost in a cycle they can’t seem to break.

I am currently breaking strongholds the enemy has on me. Sometimes, it’s painfully clear I’m not just fighting my own weakness; I am fighting a spirit that wants to keep me bound.

Fighting for Faith, Rebuilding Identity

My current focus is to be intentional about my relationship with God. It’s easy to start drifting away without even realizing it.

It can be discouraging, especially when you see people who have been strong in their faith for their entire lives begin to drift, eventually waking up one day wondering, “How did I get here?”

The enemy loves to lie and say, “If they struggle, you don’t stand a chance.”

I still fight for control, I still fail him, I still make bad choices sometimes.

I am learning to forgive myself.

I’m still learning to let Him be the Lord of my Life. I am learning that it is not about adding Him in’but denying myself.

I am learning that obedience and following Jesus requires life adjustments. This is hard. It’s constantly refocusing.

It’s continually handing Him back control. It’s continuously evaluating why things haven’t bothered me, that genuinely should, because I have lived a certain way for so long that I have been desensitized to it.

I am learning that He is enough.

I’m learning how to build my identity on this: I am forgiven.

I am a slow and stubborn learner, so I could, quite possibly, be like the Israelites roaming the desert for 45 years instead of just 40 (just kidding).

But I also realize I am making progress, and God is not done with me.

His relentless pursuit of me, despite my shortcomings, is a testament to His unfailing love.

Related Reading:

Pin this for later…