Insecure, But Not Invisible

I’ve started crying regularly on Sundays during praise and worship.

So regularly, in fact, that I’ve decided to stop wearing makeup altogether on Sunday mornings.

I’ll save my instant tan and Estée Lauder Sumptuous Extreme Lash mascara (the best, if you need a recommendation) for Monday because now, I’m so broken and bare before the Lord, I just come as I am (but still with my eyebrows done).

This past Sunday was no exception when they sang what feels like my mantra for this season:

Christ is my firm foundation
The rock on which I stand
When everything around me is shaken
I’ve never been more glad
That I put my faith in Jesus
‘Cause He’s never let me down
Faithful through generations
So why would He fail now? 
He won’t

That song brings my heart right to Jesus’ palm and says, “Here ya go!”

I’m at the end of a painfully tough transitional season. I’m coming out of a deep, deep insecurity.

This song, along with a few others in this season, is a cooling balm for a heart that has been burnt.

This insecurity is not the kind that comes from doom-scrolling social media and wondering things like “Why is everyone buying their dream house except me?” or “How does that mom of four look that good in a bikini? How did she get that sourdough starter to rise perfectly?” or my personal favorite, “I knew them in high school… and they have HOW many followers for just reviewing Amazon products?!”

This was an insecurity that used to keep me up at night, wondering what everyone I’d ever met thought of me. That’s a tall order for a short window of only 6-8 hours to sleep!

As has been the case for most of us, the last five years have been a lot. For me personally, they brought major life shifts coupled with moments of reflection that have molded me, as transitions often do.

I was a women’s pastor at a church in Los Angeles who was starting to see some cracks in her own foundation of faith.

For this former pastor’s kid, the realization that I was slowly becoming spiritually unwell was both jarring and terrifying.

I needed some help; I had anger in my heart.

The church life and routine had left me jaded. Immediately after I entered postpartum with my third child, COVID hit.

I was stuck.

In 2021, God had some rescuing plans of His own, and our family of five moved abroad for a two-year work contract for my husband.

When we came back to the states in 2023 to my hometown in Texas, I thought I was stepping into a fresh, hopeful new season. A green pasture or oasis, if you will.

I was rested, restored, and ready to go!

But instead, a few months into our transition back, it was starting to look more like a desert.

I watched my kids slowly adjust back to “normal” American life.

This led to a deeper grief and heartache of the life we left abroad.

Moving back to the US and sorting out what felt like the proverbial box of cords was overwhelming to say the least.

I had quickly started a new non-ministry job and we were on our way to reestablishing life.

Things kept popping up in our lives that felt like roadblocks, but I tried to stay upbeat. I would constantly try to affirm myself by telling my husband, “We are still new to the transition!”

However, little after a year into our return, the new job didn’t work out the way I had hoped.

It left me disillusioned and agonizingly frustrated and frankly, annoyed. Some of the friendships I’d built faded into profile pictures and occasional likes while most just disappeared.

The transition back to stateside and the months that followed left me feeling very raw and vulnerable.

To be honest, as an almost forty (okay, I have a couple years) year old woman, I felt like a teenager again walking through the halls of high school.

I was insecure and it felt like everyone was laughing at me.

Fear – and all of its nasty cousins like anger, insecurity, and bitterness were the gang following me around the school hallways and cornering me near the lockers.

I had decided to let self-pity and anger rule in my heart instead of refreshing myself in the great work that the Lord did for me overseas and could easily do again.

Are you in this painful season of feeling stuck, bewildered, and unsettled?

More times than not, I read stories like these and ask the question, “Is someone going to give me some practical advice here because I am in this season NOW!”

As women of all ages and stages who carry large loads, we do not have time for our mind to be the devil’s playground.

Women set the atmosphere for the home.

Our strong emotions are a guiding force that can influence the feelings of those closest to us.

It does not matter if you are reading this in your singleness, widowed, married with or without kids, or whatever stage you are in. Fear and its descendants cannot stay.

If you are in this season, let’s get you out, sis.

If you find yourself freaking out and in fear mode, consider these my three tips as your sister who has been there:

1. Go scream your head off.

Go somewhere safe like a closet, car, garage, wherever you find a moment of undisturbed peace and scream at the top of your lungs.

After that, take a real big breath and remind yourself these words “I will be okay.”

Don’t skip this.

I’m not a scream in my car kind of girl but now I am.

It calmed me down real quick. Your body needs a release. Listen to that.

2. Find a grounding method.

Create yourself a playlist.

Ask the Lord for verses for this particular season that you can read over and over again.

Write in your journal. Call your mentor/trusted friend. Find something that will help you when you go into panic mode.

A dear friend of mine told me once, “Anxiety cannot live in the day you are in.”

That is why we pray to give us this day our DAILY bread. Do not worry about tomorrow. Live right now.

3. Prayer but hear me out:

Go pray and tell God EVERYTHING.

Girl, He already knows.

But you need to refresh yourself in the Lord and tell him the business even when you cannot speak (Look up Romans 8:26-27, seriously).

One of the things I did is I reminded myself of who God is AND what He isn’t.

Life happens that leaves us feeling like God is a mean, cruel figment of our imagination.

Far from it.

Read about the heroes in our faith. Remind yourself about how God has pulled you out of darkness.

This will sharpen your faith.

Some final thoughts: Do not outsource your value to anyone.

Those people do not know how to run your life.

They don’t even really know how to run theirs.

We’re all just figuring it out as we go along.

Keep right with God. Keep right with your family and those that are in your inner circle. Trust that the Lord knows even when you don’t.

If you need a head start on that playlist and a song to bring in the war room as you battle (Ephesians 6:12), I would encourage you to listen to this song.

What does the Bible say about insecurity?

“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity or cowardice or fear, but [He has given us a spirit] of power and of love and of sound judgment and personal discipline [abilities that result in a calm, well-balanced mind and self-control].” – 2 Timothy 1:7 (Amplified)

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