A Birthday Tattoo I’ll Never Forget
Under a dark, starry sky, I was surrounded by my family sitting on quilts, folding chairs, and even grandchildren playing in the back of the old farm truck.
Every year during the July 4th holiday, we gather at our family’s ranch for a reunion and cap off the day by lighting fireworks from the pasture before us.
Heads turned upward in the warm evening air to take in the festive display of colors, whistles, and booms.
This year was extra special for me. Earlier that evening, we celebrated my 60th birthday and an incredible personal milestone.
The birthday cake was followed by my four adult children saying kind words and reflecting on their childhood with a large dose of humor, which we all appreciated.
As a parent, you wonder what will be remembered by your children? As our own worst critic, we pray the times of laughter and snuggles will somehow overcome the stressful days of our worst parenting.
As I took in not only the fireworks but the family blessings that surrounded me, a flash of light bore down on me, and I felt the impact of a bottle rocket on my chest, literally over my heart.
In shock, I jumped up, and the burning embers scattered down my gauzy dress, searing my skin.
As I began to yell, my son-in-law quickly threw water from his cup on me, sizzling out the embers.
As my grandchildren began to cry, my two daughters came beside me in the house, pulling off my dress and putting ice on the wounds.
Filled with adrenaline and more concern for my grandchildren to know I was “OK,” I went back out with ice packs and, after a safety check, the fireworks continued.
Shortly after, as I prepared for bed, I changed out the ice-packs and saw the swollen site of impact turning black and blue with a seared circle blistering up, along with other burned spots.
As I put new ice packs on, I began to feel worse; my heart was racing irregularly. As I lay down, I told my husband I was not feeling well.
Discussing what to do, I decided to try to sleep and see how I felt in the morning. A strange thought flooded my mind. “What if I don’t wake up in the morning. What if this is it?”
As I talked with God and prayed, a strange sense of peace and calm flooded my heart, soul, and mind. After an evening surrounded by those I loved, I could honestly say, “It is well with my soul.” And I closed my eyes.
This birthday symbolized much more than another year older.
I was happy to leave the last decade behind. I had reached the end of my rope; serving out of scarcity and exhaustion – my family, ministry, and church.
I lovingly cared for several senior family members through long and painful final chapters that left me numb with unprocessed grief and minimized feelings, “knowing they were in a better place.”
An autoimmune disease surfaced from years of neglect and ignoring the warning signs. I was not healthy in any way; physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually.
No, this birthday symbolized a transforming chapter of saying yes to the invitation of Jesus Christ.
“Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” (Matthew 11:28-29 NLT).
Previously, I scoffed at this Bible verse, wondering how serving Jesus could lead to rest. I could relate to the “weary” and “heavy burden” parts of the verse, but did not understand how serving him could lead to rest.
I glossed over the “let me teach you” part and followed examples before me, and my impulse to say “yes” to any needs, rather than depending on the other parts of the body of Christ, His church, to work together.
Over time, the idea of practicing Sabbath gave way to children’s activities and household chores. I operated in my strength, rather than the fullness of the Holy Spirit.
I sought the counsel of a spiritual director and began to unpack my questions, my grief, and yes, my sin in a safe and confidential space with the presence of the Holy Spirit, my Counselor and Guide.
Echoing the words of the psalmist, “I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. Because he bends down to listen, I will pray for as long as I have breath!” (Psalm 116:1-2 NLT) I learned new rhythms of grace and gave myself permission and space to spend time alone with God in solitude, listening to his voice and resting.
Giving myself permission to unpack years of unprocessed grief and hear the tender voice of my Father God, gently restore my faith and trust, and yes, literally giving my body and soul space to rest and heal in the intimate presence of God.
I embraced this celebration, not only for my birthday, but for new beginnings and a restored spirit, leaving the past behind and following Jesus Christ into the next chapter of life.
Feeling lighter and free in the love and grace of Jesus Christ, I embarked on a new season of ministry, only this time, following Jesus into rhythms of rest, sabbath, and soul care.
To my surprise, the next morning, my eyes fluttered open. The ice packs were melted, and with my swollen and blistered chest, I realized that I awoke to a gift of a new day.
Grateful to have loved ones surrounding me and a new perspective, I assured them all I would be okay.
Every morning when I’m getting dressed, I have a scar, or as I see it, my “birthday tattoo” over my heart to remind me I’m following Jesus today out of his loving and grace-filled abundance, rather than my own scarcity.
Related Reading:
- Rest in the Scriptures: A Biblical Perspective on Renewal And Wellness
- Relaxed: Walking with the One Who Is Not Worried about a Thing
- It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered
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This was a very good read. I, too, scoffed at that same scripture because I didn’t “feel” rested and the yoke didn’t seem so easy to me. As I have grown and matured, I have a better understanding thanks to the Holy Spirit’s enlightenment. I grew up in church and it seemed as if I had been “serving” since I was able to stand up in front of the Sunday School class. It wasn’t until I was tired as a mother, a daughter, a friend, etc. I had the idea to leave it all behind and find a huge church I could get lost in. A place where I wasn’t the pastor’s daughter and expected to work everywhere and be everywhere. I know it sounds “bad” but it was a respite for me. I could say no. I stayed there 3 years and moved back to my home church afterwards. I had to learn all over again to say, no.
This article deeply resonated with me. The authors vulnerability and journey toward finding rest in Jesus were truly inspiring. It reminded me to prioritize soul care and trust in Gods grace, even in the midst of my own struggles.